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Major security problems set to derail England’s World Cup plans

| 04.03.2014

England’s World Cup plans were thrown into disarray when it was revealed that opposition scouts could spy on all of Roy Hodgson’s training sessions from Sugarloaf Mountain.

Having plumped for a secluded military college near Rio as their 2014 World Cup base it has since been proved by The Mirror that a simple cable car trip up the city’s mountainous tourist attraction renders all privacy redundant.

So with top secret tactical plans set to go viral before England’s opening group game against Italy, which they are 11/5 to win, here are three things we think the opposition moles could witness from on high:

Plenty of penalty practise

Hodgson and his handpicked penalty psychiatrist throw all tactical practice out the window, having become racked with fear at exiting yet another tournament via the spot-kick route.

Everyone from Wayne Rooney to (insert third-choice keeper’s name here) are subjected to hours of penalty practise, with the endless repetitive routine draining all confidence and ability from our boys.

Tracking-back training

Not just in the side to create scoring opportunities, players like Danny Welbeck and James Milner are taken to one side by Gary Neville for specific tracking-back training.

Glaring into his stopwatch, Neville remonstrates with England’s two most industrious players as they fail to sprint back into their own half quickly enough.

He then animatedly demonstrates how to get “touch tight” and “goal side” of opponents, while taking time to explain that getting booked for stopping a counter attack is the sign of an ultimate team man.

Basic passing drills

Acutely aware of England’s reputation as a poor passing nation, Hodgson tasks Ray Lewington with shifting the balance.

The inability to pass to a teammate anywhere over 10 yards away means England adopt a strategy whereby they only play a pass if the recipient is able to feel his mate’s breath on his skin.

Tom Cleverley finally plays his way into English hearts with a 100% success rate in the group opener.

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Matt Wiggins

No idyllic sound comes close to leather on willow for Matt, whose previous experience includes stints with Spin Magazine and Surrey County Cricket Club. It's not just cricket that interests him though, with football, golf, tennis and any American sport not played on ice all high on his list of favourites.